7:45am - I am so tired. It is Mother's Day mass at school - it is hosted by Kindergarten. I am so tired. I do not want to go to school. I do want to go to mass. I need a break. Paul had left Saturday at 7am and just got back Thursday night. I am tired. I have been through so much. I can't keep going. Everyone is upset. There is fighting. There is crying. There is screaming. I am tired. I am exhausted. I care so much and I don't care at all. I wish Nora did not have to see this. I do not want her to see this. I want to make it up. I want this nightmare to stop.
I have no choice. Nora and I drive to school. I try to explain to her how tired I am, how much I want to be with her, how much i love her and I try to explain the but, the huge BUT... I am so very tired, I have been pushed beyond my limits, my strength is being tested... She is so kind and sweet. I love her. I wish I was stronger. I get over the moment... and I am strong... and then... just as quickly... I can't breathe... tears - huge tears - drop down my cheeks. I hide behind my sunglasses. I put my hand behind me and hold hers. I want to be strong, I want to be strong... but I am weak and need to get stronger....
8:30am - I drop Nora off. I come into school. I used to love coming here. How many happy times had I spent at this school? But that was old Kara... what was the future of new Kara? If Jack could get into PIE... maybe there would be more happy times? How could I make that happen? Nora had seen too many tears, too many fights, too many screams. I was worried about her. It didn't seem like this school had any counseling. I would have to be brave and talk to her teacher. Miss D is kind, she understands. She will spend some extra time with Nora today. She wants to spend some extra time with Nora out of school. I am thankful I am at Catholic school and that Miss D is so kind and compassionate to Nora. Miss D hands me a box of tissues... I go to mass....
Nora is beautiful. She is gorgeous. She deserves so much. She is so capable. She has so much potential. I want to be strong. I want to help her reach her potential. I am scared I am not strong enough. I pray to God, to Mary... help me to be a stronger mother, have mercy on me. Please help me. Take these tears away. Give me peace. I started the school year with everything I had ever wanted... the school year is ending... everything is different..... I am scared.
I try to focus on Nora and the mother's day mass. Sometimes I am successful.. Sometimes my eyes just close... I am desperate... I tell myself to be strong for Nora.... After mass we go to a reception... she gives me a mother's day present... so cute... and a card, "I love my mom because she lets me have friends over because my brother is sick." And the truth is... I don't think I can even handle having friends over anymore. What can I give my daughter? I need to get Jack into these special schools.
1:00pm - We are touring Autism Matters. This is the other school Dr. R recommended. I am excited about this school. It is in Ridgedale. Right by Sally and Tim, Lisa, Grandma Joan... right by my work. Could this be the answer? I have hope. Hope is back. I smile. I cheer. We go in the school. It is worse than PIE. It is uglier, stranger, smells moldy.... its weird. the kids here are even stranger, more extreme. Autism Matters seems more chaotic. I feel more comfortable with PIE. But Autism Matters is so much closer to home. It comes highly recommended. They are good with speech. Jack does have some speech, not much, but more than other autistic children. This school could open the world of language to Jack.
I tell myself to open my eyes... open a third eye... see more... be more... grow... I am growing, I am stretching... but there are growing pains.. Yes - I am going through a true growing pain. someday I will be stronger, but right now it hurts.... it hurts so very much.... The school is chaotic, the students are strange.... but I remember what Dr. R said (actually I had talked to her via phone not more than an hour ago)... She said, "If my child had autism - I would send them to PIE or Autism Matters... whichever I could get them into first." I will trust her. Old Kara does not like this school or these children... New Kara says open your eyes, your heart, your mind, trust your doctor... this is for Jack.
I want to make PIE or Autism Matters happen for Jack.... I can't afford either. I can't figure out the insurance. Paul calls the lawyer Dr. R recommends. We leave a message. I hope someone can help us. Hope, hope, hope. Jack, Jack, Jack. Nora, Nora, Nora. Hope, Nora, Jack. The words run through me like a mantra. I repeat them, I whisper them..... I am scared.... I keep praying for Hope, for Jack, for Nora.
The director at Autism Matters suggests that we look at The Holland Center. It is right by Paul's work. It takes an insurance that is much easier to obtain. Hope is stronger than ever.
4:00pm - I call the Holland Center. They say I can have a tour, but they don't want to get my hope up. They are full. Ever since they started accepting MA - they have been overflowed with applicants. Maybe we could get in 6 months from now. I am sad, hope is gone. I am frustrated. I will complete the paperwork on Monday and be placed on the waitlist on Monday. I will take a tour on Thursday.
I want PIE, Autism Matters or Holland Center. I want to make it happen. I want to do something besides hope. I call the lawyer again... No answer. I all the MA government line for insurance... I push buttons for 40 minutes... finally the recording says that the office is closed. It is 5pm... There is nothing else I can do.... and then I call a neighbor....
My neighbor works for the Wayzata school district. I ask her - are there any special ed teachers that would like to work for private pay over the summer? she is kind, compassionate.... she will reach out to special ed and speech therapy teachers. I am happy to hire full time or part time. I will fight, I will be strong. I will reach out.... My neighbor will call me back on Monday. I hope again.
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