How am I doing?

People ask me "How are you doing?"  I'm never too sure if they really want to know the answer to their question.  In part - that's why I created this blog.  So that you could see a snippet, a sliver of how I am doing and what is going on.  I also created this blog to share an awareness of Jack's journey and too hopefully create some education on autism.

How am I doing?

I guess I am doing okay - for a mother who has just received the devastating news that her son has a neruological disorder called autism.  I'm not "okay", it is an "okay - with a HUGE qualifier".  What does that qualifier mean?  It means that I am sad, scared, feeling guilty, anxious, nervous - I pretty much feel every single emotion all the time. I'm worried.  I'm really worried about Jack.  I'm worried about my family.

What do I know for sure?

I know for sure that I love Jack so very much.  I love him completely and utterly.  I am thankful for Jack.

I am sad.  I am sad that Jack has had a hard life.  He has had sickness - croup, pneuomonia, chicken pox, ear infections, flu, diarrhea, etc.  But even more than the physical sickness - Jack has been unhappy.  I am sad that everything will be harder for Jack.  Learning language will be extremely difficult for Jack, it will be a struggle.  Learning social skills and expectations will be harder for Jack.  Learning gross motor skills and fine motor skills will be harder for Jack.  Learning to eat healthy will be harder for Jack.  Autism impacts the whole person - so pretty much everything will be harder for Jack.  That makes me sad.  Its very hard to watch and to know that your child is struggling every day.

I am scared.  I'm pretty much scared of this world.  One thing scares me more than anything.  Time.  Time.  Time.  I am 33, Jack is 2.5 (today!).  I am scared to think about the future